From the Subway to Park Avenue, God's Love Knows No Bounds

Sometimes God speaks to us in the most profound and incredibly surprising ways.

It was one beautiful, bright morning in New York City that He chose to both use me and speak to me.  I had taken eight young ladies and one teacher from our dance company to a dance convention in New York.  The girls would have the opportunity to take classes and perform in Times Square.  We were adding in a visit to a Broadway musical and some other fun activities, but it was our service project that turned out to bless me more than anything the whole trip!

We had arranged to work at a homeless mission, serving breakfast and leading worship.  When we were scheduling our volunteer work, I let the director know that my dancers would lead worship and I agreed to speak or preach as well.   As the day came closer, I got more and more nervous about speaking about  my faith to a group of strangers; I had been trying to live it for years, but didn’t feel that I was wise enough or scholarly enough to actually preach the gospel.  It was when God reminded me of the old adage that He doesn’t call the equipped, but equips the called that I set my mind to it.

The morning arrived.

After my girls had served coffee and led worship with their singing and dancing, it was time for me to step up to the plate…or the podium to be precise.  I started by welcoming the crowd and telling them that this was my first time to preach with my words.  I asked them with a chuckle to please smile at me and wave every so often to help make me feel more comfortable.  Many smiled and seemed on board with this “team” arrangement, but one lady, was already there.

Her name was Priscilla and she was smiling when I stepped up.  As I looked around the room at the 30-35 tired and weary souls who had come, my eyes fell on Priscilla’s wide smile and her beaming eyes.   She looked to have her worldly possessions in her pack and was dressed warmly for this crisp April morning.  As I spoke, I found myself glancing at her more often than others, as she nodded along in agreement with my sharing the words of Jesus. 

After I finished and gave the blessing, my girls began to serve the breakfast and wrapped sandwiches for later.  I went over to Priscilla and touched her back.  She looked up at me  and smiled the way I imagine an angel would smile.  I told her that I wanted to thank her for how comfortable she made me feel and how much she helped me through that first vulnerable time of sharing.  She began to tell me how much she enjoyed the girls’ dancing and my sermon and how much we had blessed her.  She asked me about the girls’ performance the next day in Times Square and assured me that she was coming to watch. 

She then told me that her office was in Times Square as well.  Her office?  I realized that I had subconsciously observed that she was dressed a bit nicer than the more typical clientele and was clean and seemed very alert.  I began to wonder why a woman who has an office in Times Square would be having breakfast and taking extra sandwiches to go from a homeless mission.

We hugged and told each other again how blessed we had both been to have met and she left the mission.  It was only after everyone had left and we had finished the cleanup that I asked the mission supervisor about Priscilla.  I was curious if they were aware that she had an office in Times Square and were ok with serving people in more stable financial situations.  The director smiled at me gently and said, “She doesn’t have an office in Times Square.”  He then began to tell me of all her troubles and mental health challenges, as well as how she lost custody of her son and his similar mental health challenges. 

I was pretty shocked.  I felt VERY naïve….for only a few minutes. Then I realized, it didn’t matter.   

God had used both of us to bless the other one and she was a cherished, loved child of our Lord the same as my own children, my friends and me.  It didn’t matter whether she had an office in Times Square, a penthouse on 5^th Avenue or was sleeping in the subway station….Jesus loved her just the same.  

How often do we subconsciously create classes or positions in life that absolutely DO NOT EXIST in God’s kingdom.  No matter what Hollywood, the government or anyone else tells you about this life, the truth is, we are ALL equal in God’s eyes.  He doesn’t see clothing, jewelry, houses and cars.  He doesn’t see outward beauty or wealth.  God sees our hearts and knows each one of us for who we are….and loves us anyway.

I went away from the mission that morning feeling blessed that God had pushed me out of my little comfortable box and gave me the incredible opportunity to speak to His children.  I thanked Him for bringing Priscilla in that morning to smile at me and give me the courage that I had been asking for in the days preceding.  I praised Him for the gift of His son for Priscilla, for me – for each soul in that room.

The next day, as my girls took the stage in Times Square, there was a familiar face on the front row!   Priscilla had indeed come and stood beaming and cheering as she watched her new friends on the stage.   The same joy was on her face that morning as it had been the day before.  Now knowing that her life was completely different than I had originally thought….didn’t matter.   She was my sister in Christ, a child of God and she mattered.  

I went over to talk to her and thank her for coming, her joy at seeing me again radiating all around.   We chatted a bit and when I hugged her good bye, I knew with almost certainty that I would never see her again, but that didn’t matter.   I will never forget the joy of her smile and what she reminded me about God’s unconditional love.  I’ve heard said often that when you pour out for God, He will always pour into you.  I was overflowing with the blessings He gave me through my new friend.

…God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other.  If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.  1 Corinthians 12:24-26

My prayer for all of you is that you each find ways to push out of YOUR comfortable box and allow God to bless you in turn!  He WILL pour into you.  His cup never runs out!

@

Please note:  If any of you are ever looking for a charity to bless or feel led to donate to a homeless mission, I am including the link to St. Paul's house in NYC.  They are an amazing group of people serving meals 5 days a week to the homeless community, working with youth in NYC and offering bible studies to the community.  They rely primarily on grants and donations to continue serving as they have been doing for 70 years!  There is a tab on their website for donations.  God bless you all!

http://www.saintpaulshouse.org

copyright 2013

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Let's Get this Out in the Open

Have you noticed the difference between the flu, pneumonia, cancer and clinical depression?

On Facebook, emails, prayer lists, people are quick to share that "little Johnny has the flu" or ask for prayers for their grandmother with cancer.  We seem to be comfortable sharing and discussing the bout with pneumonia that our great aunt is having.  Depression?  Shhhhh.   Let's just move on.

It seems odd to me that in today's culture where we are more accepting of special needs and challenges, there is still a stigma attached to mental illness.  I truly believe that people's feelings and reactions are attached to the fact that they don't understand mental illness and what we don't understand, we tend to avoid.   As a senior at UNT, I did my research on "Society's Knowledge of Mental Illness."  Almost 20 years later, not much has changed.  There is still a bit of a stigma to anything having to do with the mind.

In honor of my friend, Dr. Paul Bonneau, who took his own life 6 days ago, I want to openly share my own story of my experience with clinical depression.  I am only speculating that that could have added to his reasoning, as I don't have any personal knowledge, but it gives me something to which I can point and explain the unexplainable.

I hope that by writing this, taking a deep breath and clicking the "publish" button on my blog, I will possibly empower someone out there to get help that maybe otherwise might not have.

After graduation from college, the real world confronted me like a linebacker taking out a 3rd string quarterback.  All of a sudden, I was job hunting, lonely, realizing that I had a bachelor's degree in a field that needed a masters and had another career love on top of that.  Things changed a little for the better when I got "A" job (although not "THE" job I wanted) and I met a great guy.  Problem was, the job I had was going nowhere and not in my field of interest and the guy I met still had a year and a half at a college 3 hours away.  My nights were spent alone with I Love Lucy reruns and lots of ice cream and dreams of another life.

I began to realize that the problem was bigger than myself when I started having the digestive problems, lack of energy and sleep issues.  I would bounce between not having an appetite at all to...well, shall we say - digestive problems that required a close restroom.  I had headaches and felt tired ALL THE TIME even though I wasn't doing as much as I had before.  I was still teaching a couple dance classes on the side and found some solace in that, but would come home to the same physically ill feelings I always had.  

I would sit in my car on my lunchbreak and cry.  I would talk to my boyfriend, who would later be my precious husband, and still not find any happiness in life.  Yes, I thought about suicide, but never really  considered it.  I would simply think about how much it would hurt my family and deep down, I STILL saw life as a gift from God even though I wasn't enjoying most of it.  

Two things changed my life.  And they BOTH came from my precious Lord and Savior.

One was Dr. Edward Tuthill who diagnosed my illness.  The other was my precious Dave who led me to Christ.

I came to the point where I had to admit to myself that I needed some help.  I felt physically ill and had no energy ALL the time and yet had nothing wrong that I could pinpoint.  I finally decided to seek help from a psychiatrist.  I knew enough from my psychology minor at UNT to guess what he would tell me - that I was clinically depressed.

I saw Dr. Tuthill often and he prescribed the drug Prozac.  For those who don't know, clinical depression is a true chemical imbalance - low levels of serotonin and norepinephrine.   It is real and affects 3-5% of the population at any one time, according to a Dartmouth University study.  Without getting into the specifics of how the drug works (and showing off my lack of chemical knowledge in the process), we'll just leave it as - it balances out the chemicals in the brain.  And it did.

It made a difference in my body and mind. I began to have a regular appetite and my digestion was way less traumatic, too.  I began to feel my normal level of energy and was able to sleep more regularly.  Now, don't get me wrong - I still felt down at times, but that's the difference.  I went from laying in bed crying for no reason to "feeling a bit down".... a big improvement.

Then, God could do EVEN MORE work in my life.

You see, I believe God heals.  He heals!  He heals in many ways.  I do believe in miraculous healings - they are all throughout the bible and we hear often how doctors "cannot explain" someone's miraculous improvement.  I also believe God heals in other ways.  He has given doctors, nurses - all kinds of medical personnel a knowledge and ability to help their fellow human beings.  He has guided researchers to answers and creations of treatments.  Even sometimes, as hard as it is for us to grasp, death is a way of healing.  God IS in control - I just don't box Him in to the "how" part.  That's His business.

After God led me to seek help for my medical condition, He then went to work on my heart.  Now, this blog is already getting long, so I will just summarize:  He sent an INCREDIBLE man into my life who had a faith and strength of character of none I had known.  My husband brought me back to the church I had begun to avoid, yet had known all my childhood years.  He told me about HIS Jesus and all He had done in his own life.  He took me to bible studies, church events and worship services.  A year later, I chose to rededicate myself to Christ through a believer's baptism.

I was on the medication for about two years - and terrified to take a chance at stopping.  Eventually, I felt I was at a point in my life where I could give it a try and had learned enough along the way to know if I was wrong and would need to go back to the treatment.  Note:  The doctor explained that for many, the duration of treatment is the length of time you have experienced symptoms.

After the treatment, the balance was much better and I have not had problems with clinical depression since those years in my twenties, but I will never forget those experiences, feelings and physical symptoms that were so strong.  I have found a joy in the Lord that gets me through the sadness and "down times", but understand the difference in that and a chemical imbalance that produces an irrational despair that is uncontrollable. 

Our bodies are different.  Look around!  We look different on the outside, why can't we all accept that our brains are different, too?  If the insulin in our body can be different for some people, why can't we understand that the serotonin can be, too, and yet people are more comfortable admitting they've been diagnosed with diabetes, but not with clinical depression.  I think the difference still lies in some people's beliefs that we can CONTROL it.  We cannot.  

We cannot control the chemicals in our brain any more than we can control the flow of our own blood.

I can only offer my story for others to relate and learn.  I believe VERY MUCH in God's ability to take a tragedy, sadness, any negativity and create something positive and good from it.  If God can create the heavens and the earth from nothingness, surely He can take my story and my friend Paul's tragedy and use them to help someone else.

I can be totally honest and say that I wish I had been led to write this story a week ago.  It's normal for people, in light of a tragedy, to question the "should'ves" and the "what ifs."  I just pray that if I can find the courage to actually click the "publish" button above.....maybe my story will help another one of God's children.

Talk about it.

Share about your kiddo with the flu.  Post about your grandmother with pneumonia. Talk about your clincal depression.  Let your friends and family love you through ANY illness.  

Give them that chance.

@

Amendment as of Spring 2017:  

I feel it necessary to update this blog, to better understand the continual battle that is depression. In recent years, it became clear to me that the challenge was back.  In thinking of my friend, Paul, I knew I could not ignore what I was feeling.   While the symptoms now are much milder than before, and medication is a great aid, it is a struggle and I accept the fact that it may always be a struggle.  

Anyone in this boat - reach out.  Ask for help.  Make a call.

Psalm 30:2  Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.

Psalm 107:20  He sent out his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.

NIV

Resource used:  Dartmouth.edu